I really confuse myself. My emotions are out of control sometimes. I just wish I was still on vacation because it’s impossible for me to be sad when I’m in Florida. Then my plane lands on the ground and I realize its back to reality.
I feel so overlooked and unimportant, like if I fell off the face of the earth, it wouldn’t make a difference. I can’t decide if I’m getting better or if I swallow all my sadness and angst better. I don’t even know why I’m posting this. It has no point. I am angry, tired and sad. I just hate myself.
i won’t lie
i am in fact an “attention whore”
i need to feel like i actually matter to people
i need to feel like i’m not a totally horrible person
i need to feel like there are people who love me
because i’m certainly not gonna do it myself
having depression feels like the world is collapsing on your shoulders and somehow burying yourself under a blanket will somehow save you. you don’t have any motivation and all your heart does is ache.
if I could literally describe myself in one word it would be pathetic. I’m so sad today and I fucking hate myself.
a question I continue to ask myself over and over is why it is so hard for me to just delete toxic people out of my life. people I know are bringing me down to a bad place and that are reminding me of how damaged I really am, people who are connected to the person who took everything away from me…my heart, my virginity, my confidence, my trust and (dramatically), my soul. and two years later I’m still struggling to put all of the pieces of my self back together and have been somewhat successful with the help of medication, exercise, my education, my loving friends, and my healthy family. but even though all of this healing is taking place, and I really am happier than I’ve been in so long…I continue to let this one person (or, technically two) ruin my moods or make me feel awful for the way I am, how I’m not over his “close friend and workout bud” and how he “was sad over his ex but would never resort to medication” and how i should “try to stop my medication”. You don’t know me. I’ve been feeling better than I have in YEARS. And you’re trying to tell me to stop? Do you think I want to still not be over this fucking douche? That every time I see his name I want to cut myself (but I don’t)? Is making me feel inferior something that you and him get off on? Do you like to make me feel this way? Oh and by the way, when the FUCK are you going to tell him that you text me and facetime me and tell me you want to come visit me at college or that you want to see me? does he know and he just doesn’t give a fuck? because I would never EVER do that to a “close friend” of mine. And no matter how awful you (or him) made/make me feel inside, I STILL text you back, and I still answer your phone calls. I still follow you on twitter. I don’t understand why I can’t just respect myself enough to be like, “Fuck you. The things you say hurt me. I can’t talk to you. You’re too close to him and I’m sick of seeing it right in front of my fucking face.” But I can’t. Why? why why why why. And there’s no one to talk to about it because I have no one to blame but myself. I could easily just block his number, unfollow him off social media…but I can’t. I don’t know how. And I don’t know how to do this with my ex boyfriend, the one who ruined me the most and caused all this trouble, either. It seems like I can try and pin the blame on them, but the real problem is me, and I need to figure out what to do. Because I can’t figure out if having an “attractive guy to text” is worth my emotional health. It just sucks when I am alone and have no male contact again…and I miss the ones who hurt me the most when my phone goes empty from texts from men except my father. And what is he going to think when he sees I unfollowed him on twitter, or if he finds out I blocked his number? “What a psycho bitch,” he will say to my ex as they pretend to enjoy weight lifting at the gym. “I can see why you threw her away like trash.” And I don’t want that…I don’t want to be known that way. I hate when people have a negative opinion of me, I just can’t stand it. I just don’t know what to do. I guess I just need to grow up.
I can’t wait to find a guy that will treat me well and make me wonder how I ever could let these people do this to me. I dream of that one day.
(hi amy posh natalie and hally…if you see this, i’m okay.)